I like my job but….

If you haven’t experienced this yet, I’m almost certain you may at some point although I hope you never do.

You find a job. You like said job. You’re good at said job. But there’s just one little problem.

Or maybe it’s a big problem.

One of your co-workers is a nightmare to work with. Not just any co-worker, though. Your boss.

I’m talking about your boss.

Maybe you feel like your boss is picking on you. Maybe you feel as though your boss belittles you. Talks down to you. Has a strong dislike for you that may be edging dangerously close to the “hate” side of the spectrum. Whatever is going on, you don’t like it and it’s affecting your ability to be effective.

So what do you do?

I mean, this is a tough situation to be in. The boss is the person who has a say in whether or not you will keep said job. The boss is the person who gives you your assignments. It’s their job to tell you what to do. Then they judge what you do to determine if you are still useful. Like I said, it’s a tough situation to be in.

Like I said, it’s a tough situation to be in.

I find myself in this very position. I have a job that I enjoy quite a bit but it’s become extremely difficult for me to work and do what I need to do and what I feel must be down to ensure that everything runs smoothly. I am working under someone that I do not respect for many reasons although I continue to show her respect because, you know, I’m trying to maintain a positive work environment despite my feelings towards her. I do not feel that she is a good leader. I do not like the way she talks about people nor do I like the way she talks to people. She does not maintain some of her duties though she is quick to jump down other people’s throats for not maintaining their duties. She plays favorites and is willing to bend the rules for her favorites but yells at and about others who ask for similar rule-bending on their behalf. She is indecisive and her indecisiveness causes a lot of confusion for me.

The list goes on.

I have tried to just do as she asks so as not to disobey her but I have reached a breaking point. I cannot take this much longer. I have decided that I must do something but what do you do when your boss is the problem you’re faced with? Here’s is the approach I’ve decided to take.

1) Look at yourself- I seriously thought about what I was and was not doing that may be contributing to the problem. I feel as though I follow the directions she gives me to the best of my ability and understanding. I admit I do not always do what she asks right away but that is because I am a) trying to do too many things at once, b) forget and get to it when I remember late (result of a), or c) she changes her mind then changes it again later which delays the completion of the task. I also know how my brain works and a lot of the times I am confused by what she is asking of me. I have to constantly clarify what is being said and I even check with my co-worker to make sure we have the same understanding (although sometimes she is just as confused as I am). I am a hard worker and I am a good worker. I do not give a lot of attitude but when I am struggling, I feel that my face sometimes reflects that and my words may get a little tart but I try to keep things light and professional despite how I feel. After careful consideration, I decided I am not the problem.

2) Talk about it with someone you trust and someone who will understand– That second part is very important. I sometimes talk to people who cannot relate or do not seem to really care. That is a waste of breath and made me feel worse. I recently opened up to two of my co-workers. Though I did not want to have this conversation in the workplace, I couldn’t help it. It just flooded out. I admitted to having a problem with the boss and they sided with me because they could see what I saw and understood what I was experiencing. They encouraged me to talk about it with our higher-up (the CEO). They told me multiple times that I was valuable to the company and gave me compliments on my work ethic and attitude. (They knew something was wrong but they didn’t know the extent of it; I’ve got a mean poker face). They made me feel really good about myself and cheered me up quite a bit. After careful consideration and a reassessment of my attitude and emotional level, I decided to open up to my CEO.

3) Discuss the problem with someone who can actually do something about it- With this one, you have to tread lightly. My CEO had already called me into her office earlier this week because she didn’t like the vibe I was putting out. She was concerned because I wasn’t being myself and she just knew something was wrong. I wanted to spill everything right then and there but my head and my heart were not in the right place and I didn’t want to end up spewing profanities and badmouthing my boss. That’s not my style. I needed time to come up with a different approach so I promised her I would come back to have the conversation with her once I got myself together. I’m feeling pretty together now so I will most likely meet with her sometime next week. This concerns me for a few reasons.

A) I have been told that people have gone up against the boss before and those people are no longer with the company. I have heard that they complained to the CEO but I do not know how true that is or what approach they took. I have also heard a lot about the horrible attitudes and poor behavior those people displayed which, ultimately, left them jobless one way or another. I do not want to lose my job or my temper but if it comes down to her or me, I have to be ready and willing to walk. Another company has welcomed me through a connection, however since I am happy where I am, I would like to stay where I am. Worse case scenario,  I will seek employment at the other company and maybe take on another type of work that I was trying to avoid in the first place.

B) I don’t want all my “crazy” showing. My CEO knows that I suffer from (undiagnosed) depression. This is not the first time I’ve encountered her in a fragile state. What she doesn’t know is that I’m dealing with some other things as well (although maybe she senses it). Now, I’m no clinician but I’ve been dealing with some crap just about my whole life. I’m to the point where I can pinpoint what I most likely have although I’m not interested in getting tested for anything. I’m an adult. What’s the point? Although my CEO is kind to me and very caring, I do worry about the shift in judgment that may come if all my “crazy” spills out on the floor. I have gotten to a point where I am tired of putting on a show and having to always be “on” to make other people comfortable. I am not quite to the point where I can openly admit to my “crazy” although I am making less efforts to hide some symptoms. This is a battle for another day and I do not feel like I should meld it with this one.

C) I do not want to openly say to my CEO that my boss is a “bad boss.” I try not to make statements like this but I feel very strongly that it will slip out during our conversation. I do not want to make it sound like I feel that I am better than my boss or that I can do her job better than she can. That is not my intention. I have to try very hard to focus on my problems with her and find a solution to those problems.

I haven’t had “the talk” with my CEO yet but I will. I do not want to be pushed out like so many before me but it’s not fair for anyone to allow things to continue going on at this rate. I am fed up. I am pissed off.

This needs to end and I am finally ready to deal with it. Appropriately.

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Getting Over Lonely

I am the type of person who has difficulty maintaining friendships. I never thought my life was super unstable but there were definitely some unstable aspects. I was never taught how to be a friend and I did not interact with classmates outside of school. I did not interact with others kids in my neighborhood much either. There are several reasons for this, one of which is on account of social anxiety.

Slowly, over the years, I have been trying to get over my social anxiety because I feel that it was (and still is) holding me back. It held me back in school both socially and academically (darn those teachers who make talking in class part of a grade). It held me back in my personal life (my inability to engage in meaningful relationships with family members and friends). It drove me nuts quite frankly.

So here I am, 25, been single for so long. But I am ready to move on with my life. I would like to date. I would like to make friends and have amazing friendships with them. I would like to be a better friend to the friends I already have. But it takes work and I am a work in progress.

I do not think this is a hopeless or even daunting task. But it is a bit unnerving. I still have trouble saying how I feel but I’ll get there.

In the meantime, I need to get back on my writing.

Something I wrote on Tumblr Years Ago

You know how when you’re a kid everyone wants to know what you want to be when you grow up? Then as you’re growing up they try to mold you into what they want you to be while pretending to try to help you be what you want to be? Then when you’ve actually grown up they scorn and mock you for turning into what you are, especially if that’s not what you wanted to be or what they wanted you to be?

Yeah. People suck.

They don’t realize that all of this pressure causes the 20 something year olds to go bananas. And trust me, you wouldn’t like a bunch of 20 something year olds going bananas.

What I’m trying to say is the reason why we are all so lost and confused and insane is because you encouraged us to be this way. So thank you older people who asked us what we wanted to be when we grew up.

Thank you for discouraging my desire to be a writer. Thank you for trying to make me believe how cool college is and how awesome it is to be a doctor or lawyer when it really isn’t that damn cool or awesome. (At least not to me. Maybe to someone else….but not me). Thank you for laughing at the little girl who said she wanted to be a princess. Or the boy who wanted to be a dinosaur. Or the kids that wanted to be freaking rocks. (Might I remind you of how popular pet rocks were? I’m just saying….)

Think about it. You older people have already created a mold in your mind of what you see the children of the younger generation as and have tried to cram us into said mold without taking into consideration the fact that we are individuals. In a sea of similar individuals near and far but individuals nonetheless.

What I’m really saying is from the moment we are born we are impressionable and people do not realize the impact they have on us. On each other. Pretty much on everyone we come into contact with whether verbally or visually or what have you. Well jerks, you do have quite an impact on other people. Well, not just jerks. Some heroes and great role models and people who truly have your back and are in your corner have an impact on you as well.

But this is directed towards the jerks.

The next time you ask someone what they want to be when they grow up, no matter how old they are, be considerate. Maybe we should just start asking people what they want to accomplish as an adult or prior to adulthood. That would be a better question. Because let’s face it: being grown has everything to do with age but being an adult has everything to do with maturity. (But that’s a message for another blog).

So….I stand by my desire to be a writer. I understand it may not pay a lot and is not a conventional career choice but I know that writing is something I love to do and it is how I cope with this psychotic world. I don’t have to make a lot of money because money does not have the same value to me as it does to you. I don’t have to be well known internationally because with fame comes some hell of public scrutiny and consequences. I don’t have to be relevant to the history of the world or this time period or anything like that because I am already relevant to myself and some other people who may not matter to you but certainly matter to me.

So I am proud to say that as a grown up and adult I am a writer. In my own time and in my own way.

Take that Jerks.

1 Down, 9 To Go!!

I just paid off my first student loan!!

I enter repayment next month. I really wish I’d been making payments since graduation but I haven’t. Today, I decided that I would pay off my smallest loan to get it out of the way and I must say it feels good.

The problem is, I’ve been a little impulsive and racked more credit card debt. Shame on me really. I should have paid off my credit card and stopped using it but I didn’t. I have a plan to pay it off and I will stick to it without using it. I am more than ready to get out of debt. My problem is, I am impulsive and I allow my desire for things to overwhelm me. I need to practice more self-control.

Anywho, yay for paying off one loan. Now to pay off the other nine.

I’m still hoping to be completely free of student loan debt in no more than 3 years.

I will not still be making payments in 2025 as the loan people are predicting.

Somewhat Disconnected

Recently I decided that I should not waste time and feelings on one who is not interested in me. It sounds obvious but I am convinced that all of us, at some point in time, do this.

Give our attention to someone who clearly can do without it. Ignore the signs that say “Not that super interested” because we feel we just need a little more time to create a spark or the other person just doesn’t know us well enough to know they want us.

That is all bullshit but, because humans have such a difficult time dealing when people we like don’t like us back, we sometimes put up with stupid things and put ourselves in horrible awkward positions.

So recently, as I mentioned in a previous blog, I made the decision to stop all communication with a certain person because I just do not feel that the feeling is mutual and I do not want to waste him time or mine. I deleted all of his messages from my phone. Every last one. Now I have nothing to look back on (which kind of sounds weird when said out loud). I’m sure I’m not the only person who rereads old messages. I do so for several reasons. One reason is that I’m trying to get a sense of how the person talks and converses. I want to establish consistency so I know when something is off. Again, that sounds kind out weird when said out loud. I may as well confess to being a spy.

Anywho, all of his messages are gone from my phone. To you this may not sound like that big of a deal. At first I was shocked that I even went through with it because I am sort of a hoarder of words. I tend to not delete texts until my phone says I must. But from there I went on to delete other old messages from people I am still very fond of. It’s kind of like a cleansing or purging where I’m getting rid of useless junk to make room to more meaningful things. I need to do this in other areas of my life, too.

So, what started with my phone will branch out to my room. My room is always in a state of organized chaos. In order to have a clear mind, I think I should live in a clear space. So I will try to organize my room and keep things where they belong. I will then move on to my relationships. My social life will be clear of people who really don’t want much to do with me and don’t want the best for me.

I am on a mission to disconnect myself from all things that will keep me grounded in uncertainty and chaos. This will be harder than I sounds but I’m up for the challenge.

Knowing When to Quit

They say quitters never prosper but I disagree.

Sometimes, quitting is a good thing. It’s good to know when to walk away. From a situation, from a dead conversation, from a toxic relationship. There are so many appropriate moments when quitting/walking away/giving up is totally acceptable. But some of us (myself included) do not know when to say enough. Or rather, we know when to say enough but we choose to keep going anyway for whatever reason.

So this is the situation I am in.

There was someone I took an interest in. I don’t like to approach people but I took a chance. We hung out a few times and I like talking to him and spending time with him but I don’t think the feeling is mutual. One thing I absolutely cannot stand is initiating all conversations and always being the one to suggest meeting up.

Cannot stand it.

When I feel that the relationship (even though this is still more like an acquaintance because we aren’t even friends) is one sided, I will bow out. Completely. No warning given. First of all, I feel that I am too old to have to warn someone that I am about to dismiss myself from their life. Second of all, if I do bow out and you never approach me about why we don’t talk, if you don’t ask to meet up, if you don’t even tell me so much as hey every once in a while, how important was I to you in the first place?

That being said, I don’t want to say goodbye but it has to be done. I hate when my time is wasted and I also do not like to waste others’ time. If I mean nothing to you, if you don’t want to be my friend, if you don’t see us becoming something more please exit stage left or leave me alone if I choose to do so. At this age, I have no time for guessing games and stupid rules of society that determine how we interact, how often we interact, and who should do what when.

I’m dismissing myself from someone’s life and to be honest, I don’t think he’ll notice or care.

And I’m not okay with that, but I accept my decision.

The problem now is sticking to it.

Goodbye to a Lovely Spirit….

Recently I learned that one of my coworkers passed away.

I’ve tried to write this post so many times. I keep typing out the sentences then erasing them.

Retyping.

Erasing.

Again and again.

Today, my supervisor showed me the name tag they made for her. He planned on taking it to the funeral, which I did not want to attend. As soon as I saw the name tag, tears flooded my eyes but I tried my best to keep them from falling. I was in the middle of working so I didn’t want to make a scene but I wasn’t ready. It’s one thing to hear about someone passing but to see something that is directly connected to that person, even something as simple as a name tag….

I got myself together quickly because I had a job to do but….

My thoughts and prayers are with her family. I am really going to miss her. I am so fortunate to have met her and I will never forget her.