Somewhat Disconnected

Recently I decided that I should not waste time and feelings on one who is not interested in me. It sounds obvious but I am convinced that all of us, at some point in time, do this.

Give our attention to someone who clearly can do without it. Ignore the signs that say “Not that super interested” because we feel we just need a little more time to create a spark or the other person just doesn’t know us well enough to know they want us.

That is all bullshit but, because humans have such a difficult time dealing when people we like don’t like us back, we sometimes put up with stupid things and put ourselves in horrible awkward positions.

So recently, as I mentioned in a previous blog, I made the decision to stop all communication with a certain person because I just do not feel that the feeling is mutual and I do not want to waste him time or mine. I deleted all of his messages from my phone. Every last one. Now I have nothing to look back on (which kind of sounds weird when said out loud). I’m sure I’m not the only person who rereads old messages. I do so for several reasons. One reason is that I’m trying to get a sense of how the person talks and converses. I want to establish consistency so I know when something is off. Again, that sounds kind out weird when said out loud. I may as well confess to being a spy.

Anywho, all of his messages are gone from my phone. To you this may not sound like that big of a deal. At first I was shocked that I even went through with it because I am sort of a hoarder of words. I tend to not delete texts until my phone says I must. But from there I went on to delete other old messages from people I am still very fond of. It’s kind of like a cleansing or purging where I’m getting rid of useless junk to make room to more meaningful things. I need to do this in other areas of my life, too.

So, what started with my phone will branch out to my room. My room is always in a state of organized chaos. In order to have a clear mind, I think I should live in a clear space. So I will try to organize my room and keep things where they belong. I will then move on to my relationships. My social life will be clear of people who really don’t want much to do with me and don’t want the best for me.

I am on a mission to disconnect myself from all things that will keep me grounded in uncertainty and chaos. This will be harder than I sounds but I’m up for the challenge.

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Knowing When to Quit

They say quitters never prosper but I disagree.

Sometimes, quitting is a good thing. It’s good to know when to walk away. From a situation, from a dead conversation, from a toxic relationship. There are so many appropriate moments when quitting/walking away/giving up is totally acceptable. But some of us (myself included) do not know when to say enough. Or rather, we know when to say enough but we choose to keep going anyway for whatever reason.

So this is the situation I am in.

There was someone I took an interest in. I don’t like to approach people but I took a chance. We hung out a few times and I like talking to him and spending time with him but I don’t think the feeling is mutual. One thing I absolutely cannot stand is initiating all conversations and always being the one to suggest meeting up.

Cannot stand it.

When I feel that the relationship (even though this is still more like an acquaintance because we aren’t even friends) is one sided, I will bow out. Completely. No warning given. First of all, I feel that I am too old to have to warn someone that I am about to dismiss myself from their life. Second of all, if I do bow out and you never approach me about why we don’t talk, if you don’t ask to meet up, if you don’t even tell me so much as hey every once in a while, how important was I to you in the first place?

That being said, I don’t want to say goodbye but it has to be done. I hate when my time is wasted and I also do not like to waste others’ time. If I mean nothing to you, if you don’t want to be my friend, if you don’t see us becoming something more please exit stage left or leave me alone if I choose to do so. At this age, I have no time for guessing games and stupid rules of society that determine how we interact, how often we interact, and who should do what when.

I’m dismissing myself from someone’s life and to be honest, I don’t think he’ll notice or care.

And I’m not okay with that, but I accept my decision.

The problem now is sticking to it.

Goodbye to a Lovely Spirit….

Recently I learned that one of my coworkers passed away.

I’ve tried to write this post so many times. I keep typing out the sentences then erasing them.

Retyping.

Erasing.

Again and again.

Today, my supervisor showed me the name tag they made for her. He planned on taking it to the funeral, which I did not want to attend. As soon as I saw the name tag, tears flooded my eyes but I tried my best to keep them from falling. I was in the middle of working so I didn’t want to make a scene but I wasn’t ready. It’s one thing to hear about someone passing but to see something that is directly connected to that person, even something as simple as a name tag….

I got myself together quickly because I had a job to do but….

My thoughts and prayers are with her family. I am really going to miss her. I am so fortunate to have met her and I will never forget her.

Big Chop!!

The Sunday after my birthday I cut my hair short.

Really short.

I went in thinking that I would walk out looking like a rather unattractive boy but (thankfully) I was wrong. I loved it!! I even let the stylist shave off a little more before I got up from the chair. My next concern was whether or not I would let my hair grow back as originally planned or if I would keep it short.

I love the cut but I miss my puff so, I’m letting my hair grow back. This time, I’m going to take really good care of it. I’m going to develop a regimen to keep my hair moisturized and healthy. I am experimenting for now but I am pretty satisfied with my Tresemme conditioner and Cantu Coconut Curling Cream. I am not as satisfied with my current moisturizer so I will have to keep hunting for something better. I can’t stop touching my curls and twisting them but I need to. I just love the way my hair looks and feels. Here’s what I have so far:

Every day, I put water on my hair. I don’t use a spray bottle. I just run water over my hands then run my hands through my hair, massaging my scalp as I do so. I then add curling creme of some sort and moisturizer and make sure it covers every strand of hair.

It’s a simple routine but I feel that it’s a good start. Here’s to a happy¬†and successful¬†hair journey.